Monday, June 11, 2012
humans
we are all humans. seems easy enough but yet i feel that so many have forgotten or never even known that they are in fact human. I had to learn the hard way that i am human. that i will never be perfect, that i will smell and say things i don't mean. and so on and on. I have had to lean that I am ok because i am human. we have all fallen short of the glory of god. the reason i feel like i need to share this is that i have run in to soo many people resonantly who have little to no grasp of this concept. I truly believe to feel accepted you must first accept your self. and to truly accept your self you need to admit you are human. and to truly accept others we need to understand that are human as well. there will always be things you dislike about your self or things to get better at or improve upon - this does not diminish the reality that we are all human. I am not sure all of the ways to help you to get from inhuman to human but what i would suggest is to take a look at yourself and think about all the things you don't like about yourself and try to see if you can just realize they are just a part of how you are or change them but either way try to embrace them! i don't know i am no expert all i know is life is so much better when you accept who you are!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
This weekend is pride. Gay pride, my first one. I am so excited! I often say that i was born a fruit fly
(urban dictionary = An attractive female who hangs around gay males.
The same as a fag hag but attractive.) I remember my first gay friend in high school and it has only mutliplyed from there. At this point in my life the majority of my friends are gay males. I have talked about how the GLBTTQ was the first place i ever felt accepted in this blog before (see acceptance) before. I love all people so of course the GLBTTQ community is part of that, but because I love Jesus it is often assumed that I hate them which is frustrating. But i realize this stereotype comes a real place where so many of MY brothers and sister in Christ have hurt so many GLBTTQ members. This breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that ANYONE would say that God does not love them. I deeply believe with all my heart that God loves us all more than we will ever know! So I am sorry if anyone ever told you different.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
renovations
I bought a house in July 2009- I love my house! However, it needed a lot of work. It seems so little and easy when I am signing the papers that say I owe the bank a lot of money! lol!
I hired some people to paint the outside right away and worked pretty hard the first 5 or six months on the house, but i ran out of steam. This Jan I took out some equity on the house and went full steam a head! The renovations have been intense there is dust and plaster and tool every where! I have slept in a bed of plaster cause it fell through the ceiling on to my bed! we did not have a kitchen for 3 or 4 weeks i ate so many burritos! :p
It all felt like nothing was going on and that nothing would ever be done- and most of it is still not done but it will be. However, the first time friend came over after not being here in 4 months and was so excited to see the changes, she saw all the difference. I only saw all the work still needed to be done!
It got me thinking if our hearts are no different. I realized i was a shopaholic in Dec of 2008. It has been painfully difficult to deal with my issues and my debt. I wanted to quit so many times. I wondered often if it even mattered? I went to counseling, I got mad, I panicked, I shopped, I cried, I switched company's. It all was uncomfortable but I know it was worth it!
I hired some people to paint the outside right away and worked pretty hard the first 5 or six months on the house, but i ran out of steam. This Jan I took out some equity on the house and went full steam a head! The renovations have been intense there is dust and plaster and tool every where! I have slept in a bed of plaster cause it fell through the ceiling on to my bed! we did not have a kitchen for 3 or 4 weeks i ate so many burritos! :p
It all felt like nothing was going on and that nothing would ever be done- and most of it is still not done but it will be. However, the first time friend came over after not being here in 4 months and was so excited to see the changes, she saw all the difference. I only saw all the work still needed to be done!
It got me thinking if our hearts are no different. I realized i was a shopaholic in Dec of 2008. It has been painfully difficult to deal with my issues and my debt. I wanted to quit so many times. I wondered often if it even mattered? I went to counseling, I got mad, I panicked, I shopped, I cried, I switched company's. It all was uncomfortable but I know it was worth it!
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
update
Well as the story of life goes... I have been a busy lady! So i have a lot to report! I have shared my many struggles, insecurities and trails. I have worked hard to sort through most of my issues and I would like to tell you a bit more. About 4 and a half years ago a boy broke my heart and even more so i broke promises i had made with God. I felt ashamed and broken. I moved half way across the country to familiar grounds were i thought i could heal. I am not sure why but i felt that ignoring what had happened to me was the best way to deal. But it only made things worse. At first when i moved, i reached out to people but those doors were not open to me. I found other doors and I made great friends but i started to walk away from Jesus. I was tired and felt like God and His people could never love me so what was the point? I tried the usual things to distract me booze, boys, and my fav... shopping. This seemed to work for a while. I thought i had fooled everyone into thinking I was okay! Then one night I had a very good friend take me aside and tell me he was scared that i was walking away from something important to me! I shared with him how I felt but there was no excuses! How could I walk away from God? I knew He was real! but it was sooo scary to apologize and admit what I had done. I attempted to pull up my socks! I failed many times but i kept trying. In am unexpected turn of events, God called me to move again. This time to some place new and very windy! So i went and I sold every thing i could! I packed the rest in my jeep and went all by my self! I was all alone. It was me, my two cats and Jesus! i went through some really hard times and cried a lot! i was broken alright!
But for the first time i was starting to become the person I always wanted to be. It took a couple months but i found a church that seemed made for me. Full of screw ups like me! It was awesome! My best friend became a Christian and after my journey I had to make sure he understood the cost of becoming a Christian! It made me realize the life Christ called me to! I tried hard to make choices i could make sustainable. I was challenged in how to live my life as a shopaholic!
I started going to counseling. I fought, laughed, mourned, learned, questioned, listened with my counselor. I got a consolidation loan. I bought a house. I confronted demons from my past. I became honest. I received healing. I got out of debit. I left clothing retail, I am shinny again, I restored relationships and I continue too and I fell in love with Jesus all over again. I stopped running and starting become the person Jesus wanted me too be.
But for the first time i was starting to become the person I always wanted to be. It took a couple months but i found a church that seemed made for me. Full of screw ups like me! It was awesome! My best friend became a Christian and after my journey I had to make sure he understood the cost of becoming a Christian! It made me realize the life Christ called me to! I tried hard to make choices i could make sustainable. I was challenged in how to live my life as a shopaholic!
I started going to counseling. I fought, laughed, mourned, learned, questioned, listened with my counselor. I got a consolidation loan. I bought a house. I confronted demons from my past. I became honest. I received healing. I got out of debit. I left clothing retail, I am shinny again, I restored relationships and I continue too and I fell in love with Jesus all over again. I stopped running and starting become the person Jesus wanted me too be.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
friends
Hey friends! I have been thinking a lot about you! I have been thinking about all the memories we have shared and the giggles we've had! I wanted you to know that I am thankful for them. I am often very forgetful. I visited a good friend from high school in Toronto and I was amazed (maybe a little ashamed) at all the stories she remembered.
I am thankful for the people who will pick up the phone when i need them. I'm also thankful for the people who can look into my eyes and make me feel loved.
In my life, I have often feel so alone and afraid, like i am never good enough for your friendship... maybe i pushed you away or hide. I am sorry if i hurt you....
I have been blessed by so many friends!
I have realized how privileged I am! There are so many lonely people in the world who have never realized what it means to be loved, appreciated, or accepted.
I will always feel in debited to my best friend, who has danced with me , laughed with me, cried with me, hugged me and everything in between. I often feel undeserving of our friendship and he would laugh at that!
I guess i also want to ask "how do we make friends? where are they?" I find that we live in a world were we can only meet people on the world wide web. I on other hand am very lucky (or cursed, the debate is still going strong!) to be an out going extrovert. Walking up to people or making conversation in the grocery store is easy for me! I have a few friends with the same personality typing and I would say the same goes for them. So what do we do with all the introverts, the shy, or just wounded people? how do they make friends? I wish I knew, but that part has not been my struggle. Letting myself be loved has been my struggle.
What I long and hope for is that all these friendships lead to community and a place where we hold on together through laughter and tears. It is soo much work but the glimmers of community in my life have been some of the best moments in my life!
I am thankful for the people who will pick up the phone when i need them. I'm also thankful for the people who can look into my eyes and make me feel loved.
In my life, I have often feel so alone and afraid, like i am never good enough for your friendship... maybe i pushed you away or hide. I am sorry if i hurt you....
I have been blessed by so many friends!
I have realized how privileged I am! There are so many lonely people in the world who have never realized what it means to be loved, appreciated, or accepted.
I will always feel in debited to my best friend, who has danced with me , laughed with me, cried with me, hugged me and everything in between. I often feel undeserving of our friendship and he would laugh at that!
I guess i also want to ask "how do we make friends? where are they?" I find that we live in a world were we can only meet people on the world wide web. I on other hand am very lucky (or cursed, the debate is still going strong!) to be an out going extrovert. Walking up to people or making conversation in the grocery store is easy for me! I have a few friends with the same personality typing and I would say the same goes for them. So what do we do with all the introverts, the shy, or just wounded people? how do they make friends? I wish I knew, but that part has not been my struggle. Letting myself be loved has been my struggle.
What I long and hope for is that all these friendships lead to community and a place where we hold on together through laughter and tears. It is soo much work but the glimmers of community in my life have been some of the best moments in my life!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
cookies
Hey guys once again it has been to long sense my last post! i have been learning lots so i hope to write a couple in the nere future (a follow up post to 'lets talk about sex' is in the works.)
What has been on my mind is something like this in life we create patterns for our success or sometimes failure these patterns were first choices whether it is to study or skip school these choices become habit. now when these habits build you over time it creates character. These things shape who we are. Some times these Characteristics are not genuine or wanted so we have to change the pattern by going back the beginning. Making choices creating habits habit creating character. this is harder and much more pain full than it sounds! If you ever watch intervention( i might be obsessed) you will notice that there are many things in common with all of the users on this show they all don't really know how they got there and they don't know how to get out of it. they made choices that created and addictive habit and this has shaped who they are. the choice to become something different is so overwhelming it leaves them hopeless.
I gave the analogy to my friend last night that i fell like i have been baking cookies for years but they when i realized they hurting me and now i want to make something else but i don't have the recipe and i keep trying to make it up but it is not turning out the way i want to. I am re learning how to be me.
so?
well this process is hard but it also makes you ask what do you need? what do you want?
Seems easy enough right. My friend asked me 'What do you need?', yesterday after a breakdown i had because these thoughts and others over whelmed my brain. I know i need something. I have lots of wants and desires there is also a timing and i am pretty impatient but there is thing this i je ne sais pas. this intangible thing that will help me get through this
i just had the thought maybe it is about the ingredients i put in. Maybe i want some of the old this in the ingredients because they were so comforting for so long??? or maybe i want thing that make my stomach hurt?
so lets review choice, habit , character. creating something different something better some one more genuine. humm sounds so nice to be that person.... I Hope the growing pains are not to discouraging(some days they feel that way)
I want to say to you that can do it ( easier to say it than believe it) And we all need to get better at listen to one another. Finding the places in peoples lives were we can fill something for them or point them in the right direction. getting out of heads and listening to people. loving them. i think that if we create an environment were that happens growth happens in really positive ways! lets try eh?
What has been on my mind is something like this in life we create patterns for our success or sometimes failure these patterns were first choices whether it is to study or skip school these choices become habit. now when these habits build you over time it creates character. These things shape who we are. Some times these Characteristics are not genuine or wanted so we have to change the pattern by going back the beginning. Making choices creating habits habit creating character. this is harder and much more pain full than it sounds! If you ever watch intervention( i might be obsessed) you will notice that there are many things in common with all of the users on this show they all don't really know how they got there and they don't know how to get out of it. they made choices that created and addictive habit and this has shaped who they are. the choice to become something different is so overwhelming it leaves them hopeless.
I gave the analogy to my friend last night that i fell like i have been baking cookies for years but they when i realized they hurting me and now i want to make something else but i don't have the recipe and i keep trying to make it up but it is not turning out the way i want to. I am re learning how to be me.
so?
well this process is hard but it also makes you ask what do you need? what do you want?
Seems easy enough right. My friend asked me 'What do you need?', yesterday after a breakdown i had because these thoughts and others over whelmed my brain. I know i need something. I have lots of wants and desires there is also a timing and i am pretty impatient but there is thing this i je ne sais pas. this intangible thing that will help me get through this
i just had the thought maybe it is about the ingredients i put in. Maybe i want some of the old this in the ingredients because they were so comforting for so long??? or maybe i want thing that make my stomach hurt?
so lets review choice, habit , character. creating something different something better some one more genuine. humm sounds so nice to be that person.... I Hope the growing pains are not to discouraging(some days they feel that way)
I want to say to you that can do it ( easier to say it than believe it) And we all need to get better at listen to one another. Finding the places in peoples lives were we can fill something for them or point them in the right direction. getting out of heads and listening to people. loving them. i think that if we create an environment were that happens growth happens in really positive ways! lets try eh?
Sunday, November 28, 2010
love
I am pretty scared to share what is on my mind right know but i think i need to so here goes. I truly believe that my mission/ goal in life is to love people. There is a man who lives across the street he is a crack dealer. How do I love him? When I see him I see a man who has never been loved, I see a man who wants more for his son than he had, I see someone who uses violence to gain acceptance, Some one who needs love. My first instinct is to help him, teach him how to be or act, and help him become the person he would like to be. But I know that if i gave him everything he wanted he would abuse it. He would take advantage of my love. And I would be left broken and battered and hurt. So how do we love people who can't love us? Love your enemy's, that is hard but i think for me loving the people who are neutrals is so much harder. Loving the angry clerk, customer, driver, neighbour, friend even. How do we love them. In saying all this I know in my life I have let my self be walked over. All in the name of love. Not only with men but with roommates, bosses, whatever. I am starting to realize in my life that i deserve better than 'whatever i can get'. But how do I really love those people in my life? and love my self.
I have two thoughts:
Space. Realizing that i cannot save anyone from anything giving that person room to grow, room to be, room to mess up. I think of one friend who I love dearly. She often lets herself get used by men. I want to just fix her, I want to make it all better. I have realized though trial and error that the best thing i can do is just be there. listen and care. At first i used to make sure that she would never hang out with boys and lecture her when she messed up. This only pushed her away.
The other thing I have thought of is just taking a step back. I always see the potential for more in people. I need to learn where people are at, and how to be okay with that. As easy or as simple as that sounds it is a big hard pill to swallow.
Now in no way am i saying that we should not push ourselves to love people who are hard to love cause i think that we need a lot more of that. What i am saying is, there needs to be a balance for us to survive between love for others and love for ourselves.
I have two thoughts:
Space. Realizing that i cannot save anyone from anything giving that person room to grow, room to be, room to mess up. I think of one friend who I love dearly. She often lets herself get used by men. I want to just fix her, I want to make it all better. I have realized though trial and error that the best thing i can do is just be there. listen and care. At first i used to make sure that she would never hang out with boys and lecture her when she messed up. This only pushed her away.
The other thing I have thought of is just taking a step back. I always see the potential for more in people. I need to learn where people are at, and how to be okay with that. As easy or as simple as that sounds it is a big hard pill to swallow.
Now in no way am i saying that we should not push ourselves to love people who are hard to love cause i think that we need a lot more of that. What i am saying is, there needs to be a balance for us to survive between love for others and love for ourselves.
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