Hey friends! I have been thinking a lot about you! I have been thinking about all the memories we have shared and the giggles we've had! I wanted you to know that I am thankful for them. I am often very forgetful. I visited a good friend from high school in Toronto and I was amazed (maybe a little ashamed) at all the stories she remembered.
I am thankful for the people who will pick up the phone when i need them. I'm also thankful for the people who can look into my eyes and make me feel loved.
In my life, I have often feel so alone and afraid, like i am never good enough for your friendship... maybe i pushed you away or hide. I am sorry if i hurt you....
I have been blessed by so many friends!
I have realized how privileged I am! There are so many lonely people in the world who have never realized what it means to be loved, appreciated, or accepted.
I will always feel in debited to my best friend, who has danced with me , laughed with me, cried with me, hugged me and everything in between. I often feel undeserving of our friendship and he would laugh at that!
I guess i also want to ask "how do we make friends? where are they?" I find that we live in a world were we can only meet people on the world wide web. I on other hand am very lucky (or cursed, the debate is still going strong!) to be an out going extrovert. Walking up to people or making conversation in the grocery store is easy for me! I have a few friends with the same personality typing and I would say the same goes for them. So what do we do with all the introverts, the shy, or just wounded people? how do they make friends? I wish I knew, but that part has not been my struggle. Letting myself be loved has been my struggle.
What I long and hope for is that all these friendships lead to community and a place where we hold on together through laughter and tears. It is soo much work but the glimmers of community in my life have been some of the best moments in my life!
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
cookies
Hey guys once again it has been to long sense my last post! i have been learning lots so i hope to write a couple in the nere future (a follow up post to 'lets talk about sex' is in the works.)
What has been on my mind is something like this in life we create patterns for our success or sometimes failure these patterns were first choices whether it is to study or skip school these choices become habit. now when these habits build you over time it creates character. These things shape who we are. Some times these Characteristics are not genuine or wanted so we have to change the pattern by going back the beginning. Making choices creating habits habit creating character. this is harder and much more pain full than it sounds! If you ever watch intervention( i might be obsessed) you will notice that there are many things in common with all of the users on this show they all don't really know how they got there and they don't know how to get out of it. they made choices that created and addictive habit and this has shaped who they are. the choice to become something different is so overwhelming it leaves them hopeless.
I gave the analogy to my friend last night that i fell like i have been baking cookies for years but they when i realized they hurting me and now i want to make something else but i don't have the recipe and i keep trying to make it up but it is not turning out the way i want to. I am re learning how to be me.
so?
well this process is hard but it also makes you ask what do you need? what do you want?
Seems easy enough right. My friend asked me 'What do you need?', yesterday after a breakdown i had because these thoughts and others over whelmed my brain. I know i need something. I have lots of wants and desires there is also a timing and i am pretty impatient but there is thing this i je ne sais pas. this intangible thing that will help me get through this
i just had the thought maybe it is about the ingredients i put in. Maybe i want some of the old this in the ingredients because they were so comforting for so long??? or maybe i want thing that make my stomach hurt?
so lets review choice, habit , character. creating something different something better some one more genuine. humm sounds so nice to be that person.... I Hope the growing pains are not to discouraging(some days they feel that way)
I want to say to you that can do it ( easier to say it than believe it) And we all need to get better at listen to one another. Finding the places in peoples lives were we can fill something for them or point them in the right direction. getting out of heads and listening to people. loving them. i think that if we create an environment were that happens growth happens in really positive ways! lets try eh?
What has been on my mind is something like this in life we create patterns for our success or sometimes failure these patterns were first choices whether it is to study or skip school these choices become habit. now when these habits build you over time it creates character. These things shape who we are. Some times these Characteristics are not genuine or wanted so we have to change the pattern by going back the beginning. Making choices creating habits habit creating character. this is harder and much more pain full than it sounds! If you ever watch intervention( i might be obsessed) you will notice that there are many things in common with all of the users on this show they all don't really know how they got there and they don't know how to get out of it. they made choices that created and addictive habit and this has shaped who they are. the choice to become something different is so overwhelming it leaves them hopeless.
I gave the analogy to my friend last night that i fell like i have been baking cookies for years but they when i realized they hurting me and now i want to make something else but i don't have the recipe and i keep trying to make it up but it is not turning out the way i want to. I am re learning how to be me.
so?
well this process is hard but it also makes you ask what do you need? what do you want?
Seems easy enough right. My friend asked me 'What do you need?', yesterday after a breakdown i had because these thoughts and others over whelmed my brain. I know i need something. I have lots of wants and desires there is also a timing and i am pretty impatient but there is thing this i je ne sais pas. this intangible thing that will help me get through this
i just had the thought maybe it is about the ingredients i put in. Maybe i want some of the old this in the ingredients because they were so comforting for so long??? or maybe i want thing that make my stomach hurt?
so lets review choice, habit , character. creating something different something better some one more genuine. humm sounds so nice to be that person.... I Hope the growing pains are not to discouraging(some days they feel that way)
I want to say to you that can do it ( easier to say it than believe it) And we all need to get better at listen to one another. Finding the places in peoples lives were we can fill something for them or point them in the right direction. getting out of heads and listening to people. loving them. i think that if we create an environment were that happens growth happens in really positive ways! lets try eh?
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