There is such a longing in all our hearts to feel like we belong to feel accepted. To be part of something. There is this huge tension thou to be unique to be different to stand out to be special. How do we balance that tension???
This idea has been something I have struggled with for my life. I never felt like I fit in or belonged any where or with any one. I often felt like I had to pretend to be someone of something I am not. I was often scared that Everyone who did 'love' me was doing that out of obligation or as some sick joke that would blow up in my face one day.
I am always reminded of this situation when I was on grade 5. I always had a really hard time making friends when I was little but this group of girls from grade 5 took me under there wing and befriended my or at least that is what I thought Until, one day they took me aside after school and explained that they did not really want to be my friend. This incident has left a deep wound in my heart.
My response to this I have done everything in my power to not fit in. No matter what was going on, the way I dress, my belief system, where, how or why I live my life I have fought tooth and nail to make sure was different, was special, unique. But this is a lonely place. And a place were I often push away people that do care.
I had my birthday the other day. Not a big one or anything but a birthday. I was overwhelmed by all the facebook messages, text messages and phone calls I got. I have just moved to a new city 8 months ago and already there was a group of people who loved me. It started to sink in that these people really love me. And yes some are deeper than others but love me all the same. Even with my funny haircut, bright clothes and even louder personality. They love me. I wish I could explain how profound or meaningful this feels. It is like a switch went of in my heart. Will I forever wonder if it is all a game? Probably A little bit. But something changed.
I am accepted!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
well! i guess my friends do find my thoughts interesting enough to keep demanding that i blog. so thank you for the love and encouragement so hear we go with blog number two.
My thoughts of late have been consumed with money. K don't get to excited not with how i can get more or what i will buy but more so how to be free from the worry and pull that money can have on ones heart. Any one who knows me probably knows that I love clothes i love shopping i love retail i love selling i love stuff! I have had a huge Revelation that this love of stuff was getting in the way of what i really want for my life, simplicity. Instinctively i feel we think that we get simplicity by having more money so we can have more freedom but i think that this is backwards thinking. a quote 'Simplicity is the outward sign and symbol of depth of thought.” Lin Yutang. Stating to me that if we want to live simple live we have to give up stuff. think about what we want and the price of that. Going through this has been a painful process. Realizing that the stuff was covering wounds which are know exposed once again. wounds of rejection, loss, fear, failures, and disappointments. I know that the pretty new dress cant make that all go away but i want it too and it has made it feel better in till now.
That is a bit of my journey. for you I say think what do you really want for your life? are your convictions meeting up with your life style? are you willing to make the sacrifices necessary to make your dreams happen?
I do know in all of this I am at the begging of my journey.And my credit card is locked in a safe behind a locked door in my friends house that takes me half an hour to walk too. But i can tell that it will be worth it. When I am free of debit! when i don't have to work full time. when i can give more to the people I love instead of MasterCard it will be worth it. Even when i get in an amazing dress in. I know it will be worth it!
thanks lo
My thoughts of late have been consumed with money. K don't get to excited not with how i can get more or what i will buy but more so how to be free from the worry and pull that money can have on ones heart. Any one who knows me probably knows that I love clothes i love shopping i love retail i love selling i love stuff! I have had a huge Revelation that this love of stuff was getting in the way of what i really want for my life, simplicity. Instinctively i feel we think that we get simplicity by having more money so we can have more freedom but i think that this is backwards thinking. a quote 'Simplicity is the outward sign and symbol of depth of thought.” Lin Yutang. Stating to me that if we want to live simple live we have to give up stuff. think about what we want and the price of that. Going through this has been a painful process. Realizing that the stuff was covering wounds which are know exposed once again. wounds of rejection, loss, fear, failures, and disappointments. I know that the pretty new dress cant make that all go away but i want it too and it has made it feel better in till now.
That is a bit of my journey. for you I say think what do you really want for your life? are your convictions meeting up with your life style? are you willing to make the sacrifices necessary to make your dreams happen?
I do know in all of this I am at the begging of my journey.And my credit card is locked in a safe behind a locked door in my friends house that takes me half an hour to walk too. But i can tell that it will be worth it. When I am free of debit! when i don't have to work full time. when i can give more to the people I love instead of MasterCard it will be worth it. Even when i get in an amazing dress in. I know it will be worth it!
thanks lo
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