I long for the silence.  I'm listening for it. When will it be here?

Life pushes me in a million different directions, at a billion different times. Everyone has there advise. Who is right? When will I have the time to even know what I'm hearing?

The cat dies, mom gets cancer, just another day, right?
How do I keep true?

Sacrifice and care in a fine balance, give and take, the constant battle in my heart, who wins?

Life is wonderful, people love me I love them, there is amazing food (my waist line shows it) peoples generosity is overwhelming,   I AM LOVED.

Who am I trying to please?
Are we all thinking the same thing?
Am I too week or maybe too strong?
How do I change history?
How do I spend money wisely?
I need a vacation but cant afford one. The classic maybe vacation is even the wrong word. I think I need a retreat.
What am I even trying to say?
I want to love you?
How do I do that?
Am I really listening too you?
What if I hurt you?
Will that be okay?
Am I saying what I need to?
Can you vacuum for me?
Am I being  the person I want to be?
Breath in, right? I know it will get better, I know others have it worse!

I have been doing a peace and justice internship with YWAM! I have been blogging for them! I wanted to share with you!
week 1 www.ywamwinnipeg.com/?p=893
week 2 www.ywamwinnipeg.com/?p=903
week 3 www.ywamwinnipeg.com/?p=905
week 4& 5 www.ywamwinnipeg.com/?p=918
week 6 www.ywamwinnipeg.com/?p=925
week 7 www.ywamwinnipeg.com/?p=931
week 8 www.ywamwinnipeg.com/?p=933
week 9 www.ywamwinnipeg.com/?p=941
week 10 www.ywamwinnipeg.com/?p=946
week 11& 12 www.ywamwinnipeg.com/?p=951

humans

we are all humans. seems easy enough but yet i feel that so many have forgotten or never even known that they are in fact human. I had to learn the hard way that i am human. that i will never be perfect, that i will smell and say things i don't mean. and so on and on. I have had to lean that I am ok because i am human. we have all fallen short of the glory of god. the reason i feel like i need to share this is that i have run in to soo many people resonantly who have little to no grasp of this concept. I truly believe to feel accepted you must first accept your self. and to truly accept your self you need to admit you are human. and to truly accept others we need to understand that are human as well. there will always be things you dislike about your self or things to get better at or improve upon - this does not diminish the reality that we are all human. I am not sure all of the ways to help you to get from inhuman to human but what i would suggest is to take a look at yourself and think about all the things you don't like about yourself and try to see if you can just realize they are just a part of how you are or change them but either way try to embrace them! i don't know i am no expert all i know is life is so much better when you accept who you are!

I am sorry 

This weekend is pride. Gay pride, my first one. I am so excited! I often say that i was born a fruit fly

(urban dictionary = An attractive female who hangs around gay males. The same as a fag hag but attractive.) I remember my first gay friend in high school and it has only mutliplyed from there. At this point in my life the majority of my friends are gay males. I have talked about how the GLBTTQ was the first place i ever felt accepted in this blog before (see acceptance) before. I love all people so of course the GLBTTQ community is  part of that, but because I love Jesus it is often assumed that I hate them which is frustrating. But i realize this stereotype comes a real place where so many of MY brothers and sister in Christ have hurt so many GLBTTQ members. This breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that ANYONE would say that God does not love them. I deeply believe with all my heart that God loves us all more than we will ever know! So I am sorry if anyone ever told you different.

renovations

I bought a house in July 2009- I love my house! However, it needed a lot of work. It seems so little and easy when I am signing the papers that say I owe the bank a lot of money! lol!

I hired some people to paint the outside right away and worked pretty hard the first 5 or six months on the house, but i ran out of steam. This Jan I took out some equity on the house and went full steam a head! The renovations have been intense there is dust and plaster and tool every where! I have slept in a bed of plaster cause it fell through the ceiling on to my bed! we did not have a kitchen for 3 or 4 weeks i ate so many burritos! :p

It all felt like nothing was going on and that nothing would ever be done- and most of it is still not done but it will be. However, the first time friend came over after not being here in 4 months and was so excited to see the changes, she saw all the difference. I only saw all the work still needed to be done!

It got me thinking if our hearts are no different. I realized i was a shopaholic in Dec of 2008. It has been painfully difficult to deal with my issues and my debt. I wanted to quit so many times. I wondered often if it even mattered? I went to counseling, I got mad, I panicked, I shopped, I cried, I switched company's. It all was uncomfortable but I know it was worth it!

update

Well as the story of life goes... I have been a busy lady! So i have a lot to report! I have shared my many struggles, insecurities and trails. I have worked hard to sort through most of my issues and I would like to tell you a bit more. About 4 and a half years ago a boy broke my heart and even more so i broke promises i had made with God. I felt ashamed and broken. I moved half way across the country to familiar grounds were i thought i could heal. I am not sure why but i felt that ignoring what had happened to me was the best way to deal. But it only made things worse. At first when i moved, i reached out to people but those doors were not open to me. I found other doors and I made great friends but i started to walk away from Jesus. I was tired and felt like God and His people could never love me so what was the point? I tried the usual things to distract me booze, boys, and my fav... shopping. This seemed to work for a while. I thought i had fooled everyone into thinking I was okay! Then one night I had a very good friend take me aside and tell me he was scared that i was walking away from something important to me! I shared with him how I felt but there was no excuses! How could I walk away from God? I knew He was real! but it was sooo scary to apologize and admit what I had done. I attempted to pull up my socks! I failed many times but i kept trying. In am unexpected turn of events, God called me to move again. This time to some place new and very windy! So i went and I sold every thing i could! I packed the rest in my jeep and went all by my self! I was all alone. It was me, my two cats and Jesus! i went through some really hard times and cried a lot! i was broken alright!
But for the first time i was starting to become the person I always wanted to be. It took a couple months but i found a church that seemed made for me. Full of screw ups like me! It was awesome! My best friend became a Christian and after my journey I had to make sure he understood the cost of becoming a Christian! It made me realize the life Christ called me to! I tried hard to make choices i could make sustainable. I was challenged in how to live my life as a shopaholic!
I started going to counseling. I fought, laughed, mourned, learned, questioned, listened with my counselor. I got a consolidation loan. I bought a house. I confronted demons from my past. I became honest. I received healing. I got out of debit. I left clothing retail, I am shinny again, I restored relationships and I continue too and I fell in love with Jesus all over again. I stopped running and starting become the person Jesus wanted me too be.

friends

Hey friends! I have been thinking a lot about you! I have been thinking about all the memories we have shared and the giggles we've had! I wanted you to know that I am thankful for them. I am often very forgetful. I visited a good friend from high school in Toronto and I was amazed (maybe a little ashamed) at all the stories she remembered.
I am thankful for the people who will pick up the phone when i need them. I'm also thankful for the people who can look into my eyes and make me feel loved.
In my life, I have often feel so alone and afraid, like i am never good enough for your friendship... maybe i pushed you away or hide. I am sorry if i hurt you....
I have been blessed by so many friends!
I have realized how privileged I am! There are so many lonely people in the world who have never realized what it means to be loved, appreciated, or accepted.
I will always feel in debited to my best friend, who has danced with me , laughed with me, cried with me, hugged me and everything in between. I often feel undeserving of our friendship and he would laugh at that!
I guess i also want to ask "how do we make friends? where are they?" I find that we live in a world were we can only meet people on the world wide web. I on other hand am very lucky (or cursed, the debate is still going strong!) to be an out going extrovert. Walking up to people or making conversation in the grocery store is easy for me! I have a few friends with the same personality typing and I would say the same goes for them. So what do we do with all the introverts, the shy, or just wounded people? how do they make friends? I wish I knew, but that part has not been my struggle. Letting myself be loved has been my struggle.
What I long and hope for is that all these friendships lead to community and a place where we hold on together through laughter and tears. It is soo much work but the glimmers of community in my life have been some of the best moments in my life!

cookies

Hey guys once again it has been to long sense my last post! i have been learning lots so i hope to write a couple in the nere future (a follow up post to 'lets talk about sex' is in the works.)
What has been on my mind is something like this in life we create patterns for our success or sometimes failure these patterns were first choices whether it is to study or skip school these choices become habit. now when these habits build you over time it creates character. These things shape who we are. Some times these Characteristics are not genuine or wanted so we have to change the pattern by going back the beginning. Making choices creating habits habit creating character. this is harder and much more pain full than it sounds! If you ever watch intervention( i might be obsessed) you will notice that there are many things in common with all of the users on this show they all don't really know how they got there and they don't know how to get out of it. they made choices that created and addictive habit and this has shaped who they are. the choice to become something different is so overwhelming it leaves them hopeless.
I gave the analogy to my friend last night that i fell like i have been baking cookies for years but they when i realized they hurting me and now i want to make something else but i don't have the recipe and i keep trying to make it up but it is not turning out the way i want to. I am re learning how to be me.
so?
well this process is hard but it also makes you ask what do you need? what do you want?
Seems easy enough right. My friend asked me 'What do you need?', yesterday after a breakdown i had because these thoughts and others over whelmed my brain. I know i need something. I have lots of wants and desires there is also a timing and i am pretty impatient but there is thing this i je ne sais pas. this intangible thing that will help me get through this
i just had the thought maybe it is about the ingredients i put in. Maybe i want some of the old this in the ingredients because they were so comforting for so long??? or maybe i want thing that make my stomach hurt?
so lets review choice, habit , character. creating something different something better some one more genuine. humm sounds so nice to be that person.... I Hope the growing pains are not to discouraging(some days they feel that way)
I want to say to you that can do it ( easier to say it than believe it) And we all need to get better at listen to one another. Finding the places in peoples lives were we can fill something for them or point them in the right direction. getting out of heads and listening to people. loving them. i think that if we create an environment were that happens growth happens in really positive ways! lets try eh?

love

I am pretty scared to share what is on my mind right know but i think i need to so here goes. I truly believe that my mission/ goal in life is to love people. There is a man who lives across the street he is a crack dealer. How do I love him? When I see him I see a man who has never been loved, I see a man who wants more for his son than he had, I see someone who uses violence to gain acceptance, Some one who needs love. My first instinct is to help him, teach him how to be or act, and help him become the person he would like to be. But I know that if i gave him everything he wanted he would abuse it. He would take advantage of my love. And I would be left broken and battered and hurt. So how do we love people who can't love us? Love your enemy's, that is hard but i think for me loving the people who are neutrals is so much harder. Loving the angry clerk, customer, driver, neighbour, friend even. How do we love them. In saying all this I know in my life I have let my self be walked over. All in the name of love. Not only with men but with roommates, bosses, whatever. I am starting to realize in my life that i deserve better than 'whatever i can get'. But how do I really love those people in my life? and love my self.
I have two thoughts:
Space. Realizing that i cannot save anyone from anything giving that person room to grow, room to be, room to mess up. I think of one friend who I love dearly. She often lets herself get used by men. I want to just fix her, I want to make it all better. I have realized though trial and error that the best thing i can do is just be there. listen and care. At first i used to make sure that she would never hang out with boys and lecture her when she messed up. This only pushed her away.
The other thing I have thought of is just taking a step back. I always see the potential for more in people. I need to learn where people are at, and how to be okay with that. As easy or as simple as that sounds it is a big hard pill to swallow.
Now in no way am i saying that we should not push ourselves to love people who are hard to love cause i think that we need a lot more of that. What i am saying is, there needs to be a balance for us to survive between love for others and love for ourselves.

just checking in

hey i just wanted to check in with people. I have been listening to some of the feed back on my blog and i just wanted to say a few things. My blog is an outlet for me to share the things i think are hard to discuss with some people> I don't think i know all the answers or any, sometimes but what I want to do is get people talking. I have lots to say as those who know me personally can bere witness too. I am bold, and straight forward. That being said most things I write about are what i am most scared to talk about some times! thank you for being supportive!
lolo

lets talk aboout sex.

i often have struggled to find the right platform to discus this issues in many areas of my life. I being a christian can't talk about it in church, or when or when it is discussed all is ever said is it is for marriage. In my non Christians circles were sex can be talked about freely I often feel like it is not given the respect I feel it deserves. taking what ever you can get seems to be high on peoples list of things to do. What i also think about how the glbt community sexuality is often discussed more often in church than my own. I find this frustrating. I also feel like it has CONTRIBUTED to me making poor decisions when it comes to sex. I am a single girl who struggles with what to do with sexual urges, thought etc. But I know I am not the only one, in my group of believer there are many of us who struggle with different battles within sexuality and yet it goes unsaid. I also feel like the solution is out of my hands. Where are these people who are saposted to talk to us about how to live healthy lives? I Have a very strong and powerful voice but when it comes to sex I feel like there is no one listening. I am striving for this thing. I honestly believe that we were created to be committed one person and have sex with them. I am wondering how we achieve that if no one is talking about it. It seems like a unicorn. How do i deal with my past and present struggles in a way that with bring growth to me? what if some times I don't even care and just want to go and have sex? I love sex I think it is great and have enjoyed it but yet even saying that I am breaking some barrier. And I know not everyone feels that way but i feel like every one in my life is on one side or the other and no one is in the middle talking about sex in a healthy way. and i am mad!

confessions of a shopaholic

Yes, I understand I am stealing the title from the movie / book! But that is kinda how I am feeling. I am a shopaholic maybe even a spendaholic. I realized this about 6 months ago. Came up with a plan to help curb my shopping but have just started to realize how deep the root goes. I have started to see how my shopping probably started as a coping mechanism for whatever i was dealing with at the time and felt like I could not handle it. About a month ago i realized I was super angry about lots that had gone on in my life that had hurt me but I thought I had dealt with it. And I did in a sense with the latest outfit. But i what I realized is that now that i am not allowing my self to deal with things in the same way all this stuff is coming back up the the surface.
I would like to take a minute to just say that shopaholics is a real thing that people are really addicted to I can witness the fact that when I don't buy something it actuality physically hurts and the high I get from buying a new outfit is indescribable My heart is racing just thinking about it> I am starting to see how much it effects my life. Why I work where I work how i dress the way i dress.
I was talking to one friend about it and he said something to the effect of 'i see you have stoped frivolous shopping. I made me laugh cause I think he missed something. I would go with out food, I would not go grocery shopping for extended periods of time just so I could have the newest top. what i have been doing is so much deeper than spending poorly.
BUT WHAT I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO TALK ABOUT today is that shopping is a coping mechanism some people drink some do drugs some kiss boys or girls or a combination of things we often do something to hide or true emotions but what I am wondering is we are not selling ourselves short? Are we not worth more? Do we realize how destructive our actions are? Or how much they effect. I am starting to realize I am worth more than a new outfit. that sentence stuns me to see it. It seems so simple yet it reaches deep with in me. it is scary and liberating. I matter. WOw.
it makes me think about how I am part of a generation that deserves everything, (hummer, great job, perfect lover, great wonderful house with the flat screen TV etc.) but we value nothing. everything is disposable it is cheaper to by something new than fix the old one. I think this culture effects how we view ourselves more than we want to admit.
So then what are we left with broken people who don't value ourselves... what can we do with that? how do we learn that we are pretty awesome, great, and valuable?

Acceptance II

I have been thinking allot about my earlier post about acceptance. I wanted to share a bit more about the process and my hopes for your own acceptance. First I wanted to say that yes something has changed and I feel way less anxious about how people feel about me. And yes something major changed in my heart on my birthday. There has been a couple moment leading up this one.
The first place I ever felt accepted was in the GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender) community. You need to understand that I am straight if only to understand that I felt accepted in a community that on paper I did not fit in to. I could say anything I wanted be my self for real for the fist time and it was okay. I could make mistakes i could dress in whatever clothes it did not matter. I think this happens for many reason but I think that the most glaring is that most of the GLBT community have struggled their whole lives to fit in. So they create a community that has unconditional love it is so beautiful. I am even a little envious of how they do this because I am Christan. I full believe that the church is Supposed to be a place of love and acceptance and has fallen short for so many people! It upsets me so much it hurts. I have always strive to love and accept people no matter what. And I am working with a community of believers that strives to be this place of acceptance. It is so beautiful. But even the community of believers that I am working with we have all been hurt by the church. We want something different. We are working hard towards it and you can see that within the community! We strive for this cause Christ accepts us unconditionally without fail. That is something the church seems to have missed. Christ accepts whatever we are or are not, what ever we have done or have not done. He loves us! I know that for some of you that might be hard to believe but it is true Christ can handle you! The church might not be able to (hopefully you could find a group like the one I am working with they love you!) but Christ can and does!
thanks
Lolo

leadership...
seems easy enough. Seems even admiral. At this point it seems imposable. there is this idea that leaders know where there going and can take others with them. Not sure. I have a very loud personality that people are often attracts peoples ears. Maybe even all the orange i wear attracts there eyes. Now It has been suggested by some that I should take all this and lead these people. Where no idea but lead none the less. The thing that keeps tripping me up in my mind and heart. Is that I am very Good at making mistakes. And not like I wore a pink shirt with red pants but like have a shopping addiction bad. Now I will say that i am a leader at work this is not the same thing making sure that people make there sales goals versus making sure there souls are in order is a big difference. I see on one hand that all my mistakes, or lessons would make me a better teacher. But on the other I feel so unworthy of anyone even paying attention.
there are so many people who are leaders who fail and it hurts so many people. The thought of hurting one person is enough to stop me dead in my tracts. But what I am losing if i just sit on the sidelines? Does the risk outweigh the fear? can I make a good decision this time? What is the best for me? what is best for these souls who need a leader?
hummm....

accepttance.

There is such a longing in all our hearts to feel like we belong to feel accepted. To be part of something. There is this huge tension thou to be unique to be different to stand out to be special. How do we balance that tension???
This idea has been something I have struggled with for my life. I never felt like I fit in or belonged any where or with any one. I often felt like I had to pretend to be someone of something I am not. I was often scared that Everyone who did 'love' me was doing that out of obligation or as some sick joke that would blow up in my face one day.
I am always reminded of this situation when I was on grade 5. I always had a really hard time making friends when I was little but this group of girls from grade 5 took me under there wing and befriended my or at least that is what I thought Until, one day they took me aside after school and explained that they did not really want to be my friend. This incident has left a deep wound in my heart.
My response to this I have done everything in my power to not fit in. No matter what was going on, the way I dress, my belief system, where, how or why I live my life I have fought tooth and nail to make sure was different, was special, unique. But this is a lonely place. And a place were I often push away people that do care.
I had my birthday the other day. Not a big one or anything but a birthday. I was overwhelmed by all the facebook messages, text messages and phone calls I got. I have just moved to a new city 8 months ago and already there was a group of people who loved me. It started to sink in that these people really love me. And yes some are deeper than others but love me all the same. Even with my funny haircut, bright clothes and even louder personality. They love me. I wish I could explain how profound or meaningful this feels. It is like a switch went of in my heart. Will I forever wonder if it is all a game? Probably A little bit. But something changed.
I am accepted!

well! i guess my friends do find my thoughts interesting enough to keep demanding that i blog. so thank you for the love and encouragement so hear we go with blog number two.
My thoughts of late have been consumed with money. K don't get to excited not with how i can get more or what i will buy but more so how to be free from the worry and pull that money can have on ones heart. Any one who knows me probably knows that I love clothes i love shopping i love retail i love selling i love stuff! I have had a huge Revelation that this love of stuff was getting in the way of what i really want for my life, simplicity. Instinctively i feel we think that we get simplicity by having more money so we can have more freedom but i think that this is backwards thinking. a quote 'Simplicity is the outward sign and symbol of depth of thought.” Lin Yutang. Stating to me that if we want to live simple live we have to give up stuff. think about what we want and the price of that. Going through this has been a painful process. Realizing that the stuff was covering wounds which are know exposed once again. wounds of rejection, loss, fear, failures, and disappointments. I know that the pretty new dress cant make that all go away but i want it too and it has made it feel better in till now.
That is a bit of my journey. for you I say think what do you really want for your life? are your convictions meeting up with your life style? are you willing to make the sacrifices necessary to make your dreams happen?
I do know in all of this I am at the begging of my journey.And my credit card is locked in a safe behind a locked door in my friends house that takes me half an hour to walk too. But i can tell that it will be worth it. When I am free of debit! when i don't have to work full time. when i can give more to the people I love instead of MasterCard it will be worth it. Even when i get in an amazing dress in. I know it will be worth it!
thanks lo

in the beginning

This is the beginning of a blog. How will it be received? how often will I write? will it even be interesting? All these things will be seen. I have been thinking about starting a blog for a long time. first it seemed to trending than it seemed like too much work, And after a while it seemed passe but i just don't care any more! I know that it is hard to turn off my mind and it helps me to get them out to function in society. So I hope that it is at least thought provoking or entertaining
lo maybe both! any ways enjoy!