I am pretty scared to share what is on my mind right know but i think i need to so here goes. I truly believe that my mission/ goal in life is to love people. There is a man who lives across the street he is a crack dealer. How do I love him? When I see him I see a man who has never been loved, I see a man who wants more for his son than he had, I see someone who uses violence to gain acceptance, Some one who needs love. My first instinct is to help him, teach him how to be or act, and help him become the person he would like to be. But I know that if i gave him everything he wanted he would abuse it. He would take advantage of my love. And I would be left broken and battered and hurt. So how do we love people who can't love us? Love your enemy's, that is hard but i think for me loving the people who are neutrals is so much harder. Loving the angry clerk, customer, driver, neighbour, friend even. How do we love them. In saying all this I know in my life I have let my self be walked over. All in the name of love. Not only with men but with roommates, bosses, whatever. I am starting to realize in my life that i deserve better than 'whatever i can get'. But how do I really love those people in my life? and love my self.
I have two thoughts:
Space. Realizing that i cannot save anyone from anything giving that person room to grow, room to be, room to mess up. I think of one friend who I love dearly. She often lets herself get used by men. I want to just fix her, I want to make it all better. I have realized though trial and error that the best thing i can do is just be there. listen and care. At first i used to make sure that she would never hang out with boys and lecture her when she messed up. This only pushed her away.
The other thing I have thought of is just taking a step back. I always see the potential for more in people. I need to learn where people are at, and how to be okay with that. As easy or as simple as that sounds it is a big hard pill to swallow.
Now in no way am i saying that we should not push ourselves to love people who are hard to love cause i think that we need a lot more of that. What i am saying is, there needs to be a balance for us to survive between love for others and love for ourselves.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
just checking in
hey i just wanted to check in with people. I have been listening to some of the feed back on my blog and i just wanted to say a few things. My blog is an outlet for me to share the things i think are hard to discuss with some people> I don't think i know all the answers or any, sometimes but what I want to do is get people talking. I have lots to say as those who know me personally can bere witness too. I am bold, and straight forward. That being said most things I write about are what i am most scared to talk about some times! thank you for being supportive!
lolo
lolo
Friday, October 15, 2010
lets talk aboout sex.
i often have struggled to find the right platform to discus this issues in many areas of my life. I being a christian can't talk about it in church, or when or when it is discussed all is ever said is it is for marriage. In my non Christians circles were sex can be talked about freely I often feel like it is not given the respect I feel it deserves. taking what ever you can get seems to be high on peoples list of things to do. What i also think about how the glbt community sexuality is often discussed more often in church than my own. I find this frustrating. I also feel like it has CONTRIBUTED to me making poor decisions when it comes to sex. I am a single girl who struggles with what to do with sexual urges, thought etc. But I know I am not the only one, in my group of believer there are many of us who struggle with different battles within sexuality and yet it goes unsaid. I also feel like the solution is out of my hands. Where are these people who are saposted to talk to us about how to live healthy lives? I Have a very strong and powerful voice but when it comes to sex I feel like there is no one listening. I am striving for this thing. I honestly believe that we were created to be committed one person and have sex with them. I am wondering how we achieve that if no one is talking about it. It seems like a unicorn. How do i deal with my past and present struggles in a way that with bring growth to me? what if some times I don't even care and just want to go and have sex? I love sex I think it is great and have enjoyed it but yet even saying that I am breaking some barrier. And I know not everyone feels that way but i feel like every one in my life is on one side or the other and no one is in the middle talking about sex in a healthy way. and i am mad!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
confessions of a shopaholic
Yes, I understand I am stealing the title from the movie / book! But that is kinda how I am feeling. I am a shopaholic maybe even a spendaholic. I realized this about 6 months ago. Came up with a plan to help curb my shopping but have just started to realize how deep the root goes. I have started to see how my shopping probably started as a coping mechanism for whatever i was dealing with at the time and felt like I could not handle it. About a month ago i realized I was super angry about lots that had gone on in my life that had hurt me but I thought I had dealt with it. And I did in a sense with the latest outfit. But i what I realized is that now that i am not allowing my self to deal with things in the same way all this stuff is coming back up the the surface.
I would like to take a minute to just say that shopaholics is a real thing that people are really addicted to I can witness the fact that when I don't buy something it actuality physically hurts and the high I get from buying a new outfit is indescribable My heart is racing just thinking about it> I am starting to see how much it effects my life. Why I work where I work how i dress the way i dress.
I was talking to one friend about it and he said something to the effect of 'i see you have stoped frivolous shopping. I made me laugh cause I think he missed something. I would go with out food, I would not go grocery shopping for extended periods of time just so I could have the newest top. what i have been doing is so much deeper than spending poorly.
BUT WHAT I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO TALK ABOUT today is that shopping is a coping mechanism some people drink some do drugs some kiss boys or girls or a combination of things we often do something to hide or true emotions but what I am wondering is we are not selling ourselves short? Are we not worth more? Do we realize how destructive our actions are? Or how much they effect. I am starting to realize I am worth more than a new outfit. that sentence stuns me to see it. It seems so simple yet it reaches deep with in me. it is scary and liberating. I matter. WOw.
it makes me think about how I am part of a generation that deserves everything, (hummer, great job, perfect lover, great wonderful house with the flat screen TV etc.) but we value nothing. everything is disposable it is cheaper to by something new than fix the old one. I think this culture effects how we view ourselves more than we want to admit.
So then what are we left with broken people who don't value ourselves... what can we do with that? how do we learn that we are pretty awesome, great, and valuable?
I would like to take a minute to just say that shopaholics is a real thing that people are really addicted to I can witness the fact that when I don't buy something it actuality physically hurts and the high I get from buying a new outfit is indescribable My heart is racing just thinking about it> I am starting to see how much it effects my life. Why I work where I work how i dress the way i dress.
I was talking to one friend about it and he said something to the effect of 'i see you have stoped frivolous shopping. I made me laugh cause I think he missed something. I would go with out food, I would not go grocery shopping for extended periods of time just so I could have the newest top. what i have been doing is so much deeper than spending poorly.
BUT WHAT I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO TALK ABOUT today is that shopping is a coping mechanism some people drink some do drugs some kiss boys or girls or a combination of things we often do something to hide or true emotions but what I am wondering is we are not selling ourselves short? Are we not worth more? Do we realize how destructive our actions are? Or how much they effect. I am starting to realize I am worth more than a new outfit. that sentence stuns me to see it. It seems so simple yet it reaches deep with in me. it is scary and liberating. I matter. WOw.
it makes me think about how I am part of a generation that deserves everything, (hummer, great job, perfect lover, great wonderful house with the flat screen TV etc.) but we value nothing. everything is disposable it is cheaper to by something new than fix the old one. I think this culture effects how we view ourselves more than we want to admit.
So then what are we left with broken people who don't value ourselves... what can we do with that? how do we learn that we are pretty awesome, great, and valuable?
Friday, March 26, 2010
Acceptance II
I have been thinking allot about my earlier post about acceptance. I wanted to share a bit more about the process and my hopes for your own acceptance. First I wanted to say that yes something has changed and I feel way less anxious about how people feel about me. And yes something major changed in my heart on my birthday. There has been a couple moment leading up this one.
The first place I ever felt accepted was in the GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender) community. You need to understand that I am straight if only to understand that I felt accepted in a community that on paper I did not fit in to. I could say anything I wanted be my self for real for the fist time and it was okay. I could make mistakes i could dress in whatever clothes it did not matter. I think this happens for many reason but I think that the most glaring is that most of the GLBT community have struggled their whole lives to fit in. So they create a community that has unconditional love it is so beautiful. I am even a little envious of how they do this because I am Christan. I full believe that the church is Supposed to be a place of love and acceptance and has fallen short for so many people! It upsets me so much it hurts. I have always strive to love and accept people no matter what. And I am working with a community of believers that strives to be this place of acceptance. It is so beautiful. But even the community of believers that I am working with we have all been hurt by the church. We want something different. We are working hard towards it and you can see that within the community! We strive for this cause Christ accepts us unconditionally without fail. That is something the church seems to have missed. Christ accepts whatever we are or are not, what ever we have done or have not done. He loves us! I know that for some of you that might be hard to believe but it is true Christ can handle you! The church might not be able to (hopefully you could find a group like the one I am working with they love you!) but Christ can and does!
thanks
Lolo
I have been thinking allot about my earlier post about acceptance. I wanted to share a bit more about the process and my hopes for your own acceptance. First I wanted to say that yes something has changed and I feel way less anxious about how people feel about me. And yes something major changed in my heart on my birthday. There has been a couple moment leading up this one.
The first place I ever felt accepted was in the GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender) community. You need to understand that I am straight if only to understand that I felt accepted in a community that on paper I did not fit in to. I could say anything I wanted be my self for real for the fist time and it was okay. I could make mistakes i could dress in whatever clothes it did not matter. I think this happens for many reason but I think that the most glaring is that most of the GLBT community have struggled their whole lives to fit in. So they create a community that has unconditional love it is so beautiful. I am even a little envious of how they do this because I am Christan. I full believe that the church is Supposed to be a place of love and acceptance and has fallen short for so many people! It upsets me so much it hurts. I have always strive to love and accept people no matter what. And I am working with a community of believers that strives to be this place of acceptance. It is so beautiful. But even the community of believers that I am working with we have all been hurt by the church. We want something different. We are working hard towards it and you can see that within the community! We strive for this cause Christ accepts us unconditionally without fail. That is something the church seems to have missed. Christ accepts whatever we are or are not, what ever we have done or have not done. He loves us! I know that for some of you that might be hard to believe but it is true Christ can handle you! The church might not be able to (hopefully you could find a group like the one I am working with they love you!) but Christ can and does!
thanks
Lolo
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
leadership...
seems easy enough. Seems even admiral. At this point it seems imposable. there is this idea that leaders know where there going and can take others with them. Not sure. I have a very loud personality that people are often attracts peoples ears. Maybe even all the orange i wear attracts there eyes. Now It has been suggested by some that I should take all this and lead these people. Where no idea but lead none the less. The thing that keeps tripping me up in my mind and heart. Is that I am very Good at making mistakes. And not like I wore a pink shirt with red pants but like have a shopping addiction bad. Now I will say that i am a leader at work this is not the same thing making sure that people make there sales goals versus making sure there souls are in order is a big difference. I see on one hand that all my mistakes, or lessons would make me a better teacher. But on the other I feel so unworthy of anyone even paying attention.
there are so many people who are leaders who fail and it hurts so many people. The thought of hurting one person is enough to stop me dead in my tracts. But what I am losing if i just sit on the sidelines? Does the risk outweigh the fear? can I make a good decision this time? What is the best for me? what is best for these souls who need a leader?
hummm....
seems easy enough. Seems even admiral. At this point it seems imposable. there is this idea that leaders know where there going and can take others with them. Not sure. I have a very loud personality that people are often attracts peoples ears. Maybe even all the orange i wear attracts there eyes. Now It has been suggested by some that I should take all this and lead these people. Where no idea but lead none the less. The thing that keeps tripping me up in my mind and heart. Is that I am very Good at making mistakes. And not like I wore a pink shirt with red pants but like have a shopping addiction bad. Now I will say that i am a leader at work this is not the same thing making sure that people make there sales goals versus making sure there souls are in order is a big difference. I see on one hand that all my mistakes, or lessons would make me a better teacher. But on the other I feel so unworthy of anyone even paying attention.
there are so many people who are leaders who fail and it hurts so many people. The thought of hurting one person is enough to stop me dead in my tracts. But what I am losing if i just sit on the sidelines? Does the risk outweigh the fear? can I make a good decision this time? What is the best for me? what is best for these souls who need a leader?
hummm....
Monday, February 22, 2010
accepttance.
There is such a longing in all our hearts to feel like we belong to feel accepted. To be part of something. There is this huge tension thou to be unique to be different to stand out to be special. How do we balance that tension???
This idea has been something I have struggled with for my life. I never felt like I fit in or belonged any where or with any one. I often felt like I had to pretend to be someone of something I am not. I was often scared that Everyone who did 'love' me was doing that out of obligation or as some sick joke that would blow up in my face one day.
I am always reminded of this situation when I was on grade 5. I always had a really hard time making friends when I was little but this group of girls from grade 5 took me under there wing and befriended my or at least that is what I thought Until, one day they took me aside after school and explained that they did not really want to be my friend. This incident has left a deep wound in my heart.
My response to this I have done everything in my power to not fit in. No matter what was going on, the way I dress, my belief system, where, how or why I live my life I have fought tooth and nail to make sure was different, was special, unique. But this is a lonely place. And a place were I often push away people that do care.
I had my birthday the other day. Not a big one or anything but a birthday. I was overwhelmed by all the facebook messages, text messages and phone calls I got. I have just moved to a new city 8 months ago and already there was a group of people who loved me. It started to sink in that these people really love me. And yes some are deeper than others but love me all the same. Even with my funny haircut, bright clothes and even louder personality. They love me. I wish I could explain how profound or meaningful this feels. It is like a switch went of in my heart. Will I forever wonder if it is all a game? Probably A little bit. But something changed.
I am accepted!
This idea has been something I have struggled with for my life. I never felt like I fit in or belonged any where or with any one. I often felt like I had to pretend to be someone of something I am not. I was often scared that Everyone who did 'love' me was doing that out of obligation or as some sick joke that would blow up in my face one day.
I am always reminded of this situation when I was on grade 5. I always had a really hard time making friends when I was little but this group of girls from grade 5 took me under there wing and befriended my or at least that is what I thought Until, one day they took me aside after school and explained that they did not really want to be my friend. This incident has left a deep wound in my heart.
My response to this I have done everything in my power to not fit in. No matter what was going on, the way I dress, my belief system, where, how or why I live my life I have fought tooth and nail to make sure was different, was special, unique. But this is a lonely place. And a place were I often push away people that do care.
I had my birthday the other day. Not a big one or anything but a birthday. I was overwhelmed by all the facebook messages, text messages and phone calls I got. I have just moved to a new city 8 months ago and already there was a group of people who loved me. It started to sink in that these people really love me. And yes some are deeper than others but love me all the same. Even with my funny haircut, bright clothes and even louder personality. They love me. I wish I could explain how profound or meaningful this feels. It is like a switch went of in my heart. Will I forever wonder if it is all a game? Probably A little bit. But something changed.
I am accepted!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
well! i guess my friends do find my thoughts interesting enough to keep demanding that i blog. so thank you for the love and encouragement so hear we go with blog number two.
My thoughts of late have been consumed with money. K don't get to excited not with how i can get more or what i will buy but more so how to be free from the worry and pull that money can have on ones heart. Any one who knows me probably knows that I love clothes i love shopping i love retail i love selling i love stuff! I have had a huge Revelation that this love of stuff was getting in the way of what i really want for my life, simplicity. Instinctively i feel we think that we get simplicity by having more money so we can have more freedom but i think that this is backwards thinking. a quote 'Simplicity is the outward sign and symbol of depth of thought.” Lin Yutang. Stating to me that if we want to live simple live we have to give up stuff. think about what we want and the price of that. Going through this has been a painful process. Realizing that the stuff was covering wounds which are know exposed once again. wounds of rejection, loss, fear, failures, and disappointments. I know that the pretty new dress cant make that all go away but i want it too and it has made it feel better in till now.
That is a bit of my journey. for you I say think what do you really want for your life? are your convictions meeting up with your life style? are you willing to make the sacrifices necessary to make your dreams happen?
I do know in all of this I am at the begging of my journey.And my credit card is locked in a safe behind a locked door in my friends house that takes me half an hour to walk too. But i can tell that it will be worth it. When I am free of debit! when i don't have to work full time. when i can give more to the people I love instead of MasterCard it will be worth it. Even when i get in an amazing dress in. I know it will be worth it!
thanks lo
My thoughts of late have been consumed with money. K don't get to excited not with how i can get more or what i will buy but more so how to be free from the worry and pull that money can have on ones heart. Any one who knows me probably knows that I love clothes i love shopping i love retail i love selling i love stuff! I have had a huge Revelation that this love of stuff was getting in the way of what i really want for my life, simplicity. Instinctively i feel we think that we get simplicity by having more money so we can have more freedom but i think that this is backwards thinking. a quote 'Simplicity is the outward sign and symbol of depth of thought.” Lin Yutang. Stating to me that if we want to live simple live we have to give up stuff. think about what we want and the price of that. Going through this has been a painful process. Realizing that the stuff was covering wounds which are know exposed once again. wounds of rejection, loss, fear, failures, and disappointments. I know that the pretty new dress cant make that all go away but i want it too and it has made it feel better in till now.
That is a bit of my journey. for you I say think what do you really want for your life? are your convictions meeting up with your life style? are you willing to make the sacrifices necessary to make your dreams happen?
I do know in all of this I am at the begging of my journey.And my credit card is locked in a safe behind a locked door in my friends house that takes me half an hour to walk too. But i can tell that it will be worth it. When I am free of debit! when i don't have to work full time. when i can give more to the people I love instead of MasterCard it will be worth it. Even when i get in an amazing dress in. I know it will be worth it!
thanks lo
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