I long for the silence.  I'm listening for it. When will it be here?

Life pushes me in a million different directions, at a billion different times. Everyone has there advise. Who is right? When will I have the time to even know what I'm hearing?

The cat dies, mom gets cancer, just another day, right?
How do I keep true?

Sacrifice and care in a fine balance, give and take, the constant battle in my heart, who wins?

Life is wonderful, people love me I love them, there is amazing food (my waist line shows it) peoples generosity is overwhelming,   I AM LOVED.

Who am I trying to please?
Are we all thinking the same thing?
Am I too week or maybe too strong?
How do I change history?
How do I spend money wisely?
I need a vacation but cant afford one. The classic maybe vacation is even the wrong word. I think I need a retreat.
What am I even trying to say?
I want to love you?
How do I do that?
Am I really listening too you?
What if I hurt you?
Will that be okay?
Am I saying what I need to?
Can you vacuum for me?
Am I being  the person I want to be?
Breath in, right? I know it will get better, I know others have it worse!

I have been doing a peace and justice internship with YWAM! I have been blogging for them! I wanted to share with you!
week 1 www.ywamwinnipeg.com/?p=893
week 2 www.ywamwinnipeg.com/?p=903
week 3 www.ywamwinnipeg.com/?p=905
week 4& 5 www.ywamwinnipeg.com/?p=918
week 6 www.ywamwinnipeg.com/?p=925
week 7 www.ywamwinnipeg.com/?p=931
week 8 www.ywamwinnipeg.com/?p=933
week 9 www.ywamwinnipeg.com/?p=941
week 10 www.ywamwinnipeg.com/?p=946
week 11& 12 www.ywamwinnipeg.com/?p=951

humans

we are all humans. seems easy enough but yet i feel that so many have forgotten or never even known that they are in fact human. I had to learn the hard way that i am human. that i will never be perfect, that i will smell and say things i don't mean. and so on and on. I have had to lean that I am ok because i am human. we have all fallen short of the glory of god. the reason i feel like i need to share this is that i have run in to soo many people resonantly who have little to no grasp of this concept. I truly believe to feel accepted you must first accept your self. and to truly accept your self you need to admit you are human. and to truly accept others we need to understand that are human as well. there will always be things you dislike about your self or things to get better at or improve upon - this does not diminish the reality that we are all human. I am not sure all of the ways to help you to get from inhuman to human but what i would suggest is to take a look at yourself and think about all the things you don't like about yourself and try to see if you can just realize they are just a part of how you are or change them but either way try to embrace them! i don't know i am no expert all i know is life is so much better when you accept who you are!

I am sorry 

This weekend is pride. Gay pride, my first one. I am so excited! I often say that i was born a fruit fly

(urban dictionary = An attractive female who hangs around gay males. The same as a fag hag but attractive.) I remember my first gay friend in high school and it has only mutliplyed from there. At this point in my life the majority of my friends are gay males. I have talked about how the GLBTTQ was the first place i ever felt accepted in this blog before (see acceptance) before. I love all people so of course the GLBTTQ community is  part of that, but because I love Jesus it is often assumed that I hate them which is frustrating. But i realize this stereotype comes a real place where so many of MY brothers and sister in Christ have hurt so many GLBTTQ members. This breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that ANYONE would say that God does not love them. I deeply believe with all my heart that God loves us all more than we will ever know! So I am sorry if anyone ever told you different.

renovations

I bought a house in July 2009- I love my house! However, it needed a lot of work. It seems so little and easy when I am signing the papers that say I owe the bank a lot of money! lol!

I hired some people to paint the outside right away and worked pretty hard the first 5 or six months on the house, but i ran out of steam. This Jan I took out some equity on the house and went full steam a head! The renovations have been intense there is dust and plaster and tool every where! I have slept in a bed of plaster cause it fell through the ceiling on to my bed! we did not have a kitchen for 3 or 4 weeks i ate so many burritos! :p

It all felt like nothing was going on and that nothing would ever be done- and most of it is still not done but it will be. However, the first time friend came over after not being here in 4 months and was so excited to see the changes, she saw all the difference. I only saw all the work still needed to be done!

It got me thinking if our hearts are no different. I realized i was a shopaholic in Dec of 2008. It has been painfully difficult to deal with my issues and my debt. I wanted to quit so many times. I wondered often if it even mattered? I went to counseling, I got mad, I panicked, I shopped, I cried, I switched company's. It all was uncomfortable but I know it was worth it!

update

Well as the story of life goes... I have been a busy lady! So i have a lot to report! I have shared my many struggles, insecurities and trails. I have worked hard to sort through most of my issues and I would like to tell you a bit more. About 4 and a half years ago a boy broke my heart and even more so i broke promises i had made with God. I felt ashamed and broken. I moved half way across the country to familiar grounds were i thought i could heal. I am not sure why but i felt that ignoring what had happened to me was the best way to deal. But it only made things worse. At first when i moved, i reached out to people but those doors were not open to me. I found other doors and I made great friends but i started to walk away from Jesus. I was tired and felt like God and His people could never love me so what was the point? I tried the usual things to distract me booze, boys, and my fav... shopping. This seemed to work for a while. I thought i had fooled everyone into thinking I was okay! Then one night I had a very good friend take me aside and tell me he was scared that i was walking away from something important to me! I shared with him how I felt but there was no excuses! How could I walk away from God? I knew He was real! but it was sooo scary to apologize and admit what I had done. I attempted to pull up my socks! I failed many times but i kept trying. In am unexpected turn of events, God called me to move again. This time to some place new and very windy! So i went and I sold every thing i could! I packed the rest in my jeep and went all by my self! I was all alone. It was me, my two cats and Jesus! i went through some really hard times and cried a lot! i was broken alright!
But for the first time i was starting to become the person I always wanted to be. It took a couple months but i found a church that seemed made for me. Full of screw ups like me! It was awesome! My best friend became a Christian and after my journey I had to make sure he understood the cost of becoming a Christian! It made me realize the life Christ called me to! I tried hard to make choices i could make sustainable. I was challenged in how to live my life as a shopaholic!
I started going to counseling. I fought, laughed, mourned, learned, questioned, listened with my counselor. I got a consolidation loan. I bought a house. I confronted demons from my past. I became honest. I received healing. I got out of debit. I left clothing retail, I am shinny again, I restored relationships and I continue too and I fell in love with Jesus all over again. I stopped running and starting become the person Jesus wanted me too be.

friends

Hey friends! I have been thinking a lot about you! I have been thinking about all the memories we have shared and the giggles we've had! I wanted you to know that I am thankful for them. I am often very forgetful. I visited a good friend from high school in Toronto and I was amazed (maybe a little ashamed) at all the stories she remembered.
I am thankful for the people who will pick up the phone when i need them. I'm also thankful for the people who can look into my eyes and make me feel loved.
In my life, I have often feel so alone and afraid, like i am never good enough for your friendship... maybe i pushed you away or hide. I am sorry if i hurt you....
I have been blessed by so many friends!
I have realized how privileged I am! There are so many lonely people in the world who have never realized what it means to be loved, appreciated, or accepted.
I will always feel in debited to my best friend, who has danced with me , laughed with me, cried with me, hugged me and everything in between. I often feel undeserving of our friendship and he would laugh at that!
I guess i also want to ask "how do we make friends? where are they?" I find that we live in a world were we can only meet people on the world wide web. I on other hand am very lucky (or cursed, the debate is still going strong!) to be an out going extrovert. Walking up to people or making conversation in the grocery store is easy for me! I have a few friends with the same personality typing and I would say the same goes for them. So what do we do with all the introverts, the shy, or just wounded people? how do they make friends? I wish I knew, but that part has not been my struggle. Letting myself be loved has been my struggle.
What I long and hope for is that all these friendships lead to community and a place where we hold on together through laughter and tears. It is soo much work but the glimmers of community in my life have been some of the best moments in my life!